[Harp-L] "Sidemen"

["Ronald Tuffel" <ronnyt@xxxxx>]

Hey Ya'll,

 

 

            I've got another pretty funny almost biblical account on
"Sidemen". I once said that I would never front a band because it gets in
the way of concentrating, creating the color, additional taste and flavor,
and feel of a band. Well, now that I do semi-front a band, I confirm the
original idea, but have managed to create a new situation called "The
Front-Sideman". Yes, I will forever be a Sideman; I've just managed to
stretch the boundaries a bit. If you're not going to church, synagogue, or
mosque today you will be able to supplement your religious appetite with
this piece of musical rhetoric. Remember in certain parts of the world harp
playin' is irreverent, illegal, and frowned upon, especially on Sundays! So,
all you sinners repent! Verily I say on to you "Harp On! Rock On!"

 

>From the pulpit of Rev. Rockin' Ronny"

 

Be Excellent to each Other!

 

 

Yea, verily this cat done sayeth unto you..........................

 

 

 

 

Subject: The Lost Book of Gig, Chapter IV - God Creates Sidemen 

 

> THE LOST BOOK OF GIG, CHAPTER IV: GOD CREATES SIDEMEN

>> 

>> "And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a

>> search for suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and 

   he could find none; for in those days there were not

  many, and those he could find were already working.

>> Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some

>> had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many

   played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

>> 

>> So Nebulon did return to the Lord and sayeth, "Lord,

>> there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he 

  rent his clothing asunder.

>> 

>> And the Lord did say, "Thou art a schmuck! Hast thou looked

>> everywhere? Didst thou call the Union?"

>> 

>> And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and

>> low, especially

>> low; and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?"

>> 

>> And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying

>> unto him, "Leave Me to think on this!"

>> 

>> And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague

>> of locusts upon Egypt.

>> 

>> And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent

>> them forth over

>> the land, commanding them to find Him some Sidemen.

>> 

>> And the Angels did go to the four corners of the

>> earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could 

   find was one holy man in India who did

>> play the horn with the slide.  With great fear the

>> Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news,

   and filled with wrath He said. "How can this be? 

  At one time the world did teem with

>> Sidemen, as dead oxen do with maggots!"

>> 

>> And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the

>> business, many have become idiots, and some 

  have even become Leaders, and no Leader will 

  work for another Leader."

>> 

>> So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while He

>> thought, and at last the answer came unto Him.

 He did recall that there was a factory, part of 

  his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in

>> disuse. For it had earlier been used to create

>> Golems, for which there had been no great demand,

 and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought,

 'We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.'

>> 

>> And so it was done, and it came to pass that the

>> Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line.

>> 

>> But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained,

>> and the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably.

>> 

>> Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to

>> themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe.

>> 

>> Some refused to shave their beards or to have their

>> hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga.

>> 

>> And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in

>> their chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them,

 or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles.

>> 

>> And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the

>> land aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not

 believe in the use of the hourglass, and arrived at the

 Gig whenever they chose.

>> 

>> And some loved the wine of barley, corn and grape, and

>> some loved the burning of hemp.

>> 

>> And some were created without ears, and some with

>> knuckles where their eyebrows should be.

>> 

>> And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu

>> and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders.

>> 

>> And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea,

>> even before the Guests had dined.

>> 

>> And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and

>> some with the Guests, and some with the Little Sisters

 of these, the Chick Singers and the Guests.

>> 

>> And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and

>> not Blow.

>> 

>> And some had no social skills, and some had no

>> musical skills. And

>> many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the

>> skin, but in the Outlook on Life.

>> 

>> But every once in a while the line did produce a

>> Perfect Sideman: One who followed orders without

 question; One who showed up on time; One>> who wore

 the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew Tunes;

>> 

>> But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between,

>> and besides their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned,

 for they were Boring, and knew not how to Hang.

>> 

>> And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about,

>> looking for Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing 

  and occasionally stabbing each other in the back.

>> 

>> And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do."