[Harp-L] Readjusting

[Jason Ricci <jason@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Writing again after what seems a life time ago is so over whelming! First I
have to get use to typing again after a three and a half month break then I
have to learn all over again how to instantly delete all that crappy,fluffy,
and cliché' articulation my mind wants me to write the instant it moves
faster than my fingers. Kind of like just getting home after four months,
Brady and the cats and our Pomeranian were all happy as hell to see each
other but there's a definite and very present "Who are you","Are you
different since last time you were here?" "Am I different?", "Did you meet
any cute guys?"etc... I've talked to sales man, truckers other musicians and
their wives about this and it's really a common and very consistent
phenomenon...the bad part is: right as it starts to go away and everyone's
insecurities are beginning to fade and all seems well and normal it's
usually time to leave again.
 Back at home after nearly a third of the year has passed since my last
major literary update so much has changed in me. At the beginning of this
year 2006 Our management had a arranged for a not so small label called
Hybrid to come and check out one of our New York Shows. Hybrid has some
great acts like the Gin Blossoms, Vertical horizon ,Bob Weir and is
responsible for the soundtrack of my all time favorite movie Hedwig and the
Angry Inch. We were amped! The day after the show, the Head of the Label, Al
called me...I'm not going to go into Al's history but I will tell you he is
directly responsible for so much great music. Anyone reading this has in
their record collection right now something Al had his hand in maybe on
vinyl, maybe a-track maybe CD. Al told me my wildest dreams were going to
come true by the end of the summer. I believed him. Bonaroo, Red Rocks,
Shows with the Brothers and Mule, sessions with Derek Trucks, Tour Busses, a
real budget for a CD, Merch people, road cases, road managers great clubs,
halls, theaters even stadiums. Well none of it ever happened obviously. The
only silver lining so far to all of this is that I didn't shoot my mouth
about any of this to the public. The grey lining is my hope and the bands
hope was now ten times lower than if we had never been offered the deal to
begin with. Hope is dangerous or is the lack of it? Additionally you all
read about Europe, the van and all our other obstacles this year. I learned
to hate hope more than ever, taking comfort in the pessimism of knowing
nothing will ever happen and if it does it will just be a nice surprise. I
have seen this look on the faces (and it is a look) of so many of my heroes
and forgot the one lesson that had gotten me to point where something like
Hybrid would come along in the first place. That lesson is what little
league coaches and late night motivation peddlers call "Creative
Realization" the ability to see something maybe even hear, smell, and taste
it before it happens. "See yourself hitting the ball Jason!" he would say
just before it smashed into my face. But really this works... Once I learned
how to hear the notes that are called "Over blows" on harmonica before I
played them, they happened and they happened on crappy out of the box
harmonicas unlike the great ones I have now. Before I could here the note in
my head I was trying in vain ever so clummisly and forcefully to make that
reed physically move. That vision and for-sight,, that dream , that love,
the trust, and naïve dogma in the unknown to provide and take care of all
things in the manner in which they will, combined with hard work that's how
we do it whether it's  a home run, or a riff on a harmonica or a buisness
mindset. That crap really works it has lots of names too like "luck",
"beginners luck","Shot in the Dark" "good fortune", "right place right
time", "dumb luck". One of my favorite skate boarders Jim Greco said "Luck
is when preparation meets opportunity." Maybe he stole that from one of the
late night motivational TV infomercials but either way it's true and besides
can you backside 270º ollie to board slide an eleven stair handrail? Didn't
think so.. Maybe we should listen. Remember the old Kung fu movies where the
master told the student the master was inside him, remember when Keanu
Reeves took that deep focusing breath at the end of the matrix just before
he stopped the bullets with his hand and realized he WAS the One, remember
when Hedwig sang midnight radio at the end of the movie, took of his girl
clothes and the wig and became whole for the first time (maybe not that
one). Remember when the velveteen rabbit finally became real? Or when
Jonathan Livingston Seagull returned? When Luke used the force? I try and
remember these lessons because I believe in what they mean. I'm sort of a
surrealist in that I know if we believe that their is no difference between
our dreams and our waking life...If we TRULY believe that than we can do
anything....anything...hit home runs, play the violin, become rock stars, or
even fly. Joseph Campbell said "Eden is the kingdom of the father spread
upon the earth that men do not see." The way Etta say's "here we are in
Heaven" in At last you know she means it. This is it! This is our heaven,
hell and purgatory. I want to find forever, fullly realized my "INNER ROCK
STAR" that's what I call it...some call it the Buddha self, the Inner
Master"," Christ self" I've learned to use this on stage to over come fear
and insecurity both in myself and in others to try and reach that place
where we forget all we have practiced and just do. The place where you
become a tube or an antenna for god to work through. But doing that all the
time??? In my life??? In my relationships??? In my Business??? Enter 300
days a year away from Brady the one person who loves me more than anything
Enter $200.00 gigs with $300.00 hotel rooms we pay for. Enter Skynard
requests and Mustang Sally screams, enter greedy, short sighted agents, drug
addicted club owners musician and fans, broke down vans, botched
relationships, unplanned children, apathetic audiences, lip syncing,
Brittany Spears, Fred Durst, Enter 1,500 shows over five years all over the
world for five years with no real financial justification, at least as far
as the IRS is concerned. Enter botched trips to Europe,  Enter readjusting
to being around the one person who knows and loves me more than anyone after
a four month absence and a lost record deal with Hybrid.... Creative
realization?????, Christ self? Master? Inner Rock Star? Get real hippie. So
I did for a while.
  I don't know how many of you got to read Brad Kava's article about the
band and I in the Mercury News. The article was great in that it was a
realistic portrayal of our band, our attitude, and it never tried to imply
any real selling points of pretence and/or false glitter, and it reflected a
lot of the above. A lot of our fans and close friends are already all too
familiar with these trials and tests we have been through via my relentless
bitching. The article did make me feel a little guilty however. Guilty for
bitching so much about what hasn't happened for us and what should of and
what happens for others etc...I really love the article and there is no
doubt that all of it is true, trouble and,pain and suffering, relative, and
subjective as they may be, ARE hard and are discouraging, but I want to take
the rest of this letter to simply thank and acknowledge those who have made
things easier and worth while for me and the band in no particular order.
This is the first step for me in realigning myself with that hippie new age
shit I meandered on about earlier. I'm calling it gratitude.

1.) The Harmonica community at large. Thank you for all the great things you
write about me...they are intimidating to live up to and I often wonder
what's wrong with all of you and why you can't hear my mistakes and bad
musical decisions the way I do. however some times I hear what you hear
too....and it makes cry to know that you actually get and understand the
technical and emotional things I'm trying to play on a spiritual level. If I
die toady my greatest achievement in music will be that I earned the respect
of my peers and YOU HAVE MINE! Thank you!

2.) The Harmonica Players. MICAHEL PELOQUIN, CHRIS MICHALEK, DENNIS
GRUENLING, ROB PAPPAROZZI, PAT RAMSEY, ADAM GUSSOW, BUZZ KRANTZ, AND MANY
OTHERS. This IS the mutual admiration Society Deal with it:
 
A.) Michael your selflessness and nurturing have meant so much to me helping
me with my neurosis over the years so patiently, and on tour this last time
when you helped me replace every pedal in my pedal chain just to make me
happy when you knew it wouldn't. All the late night hours I've called you on
the phone and you stayed up talking to me to help me stay awake while
driving only to have me tell you I have to go a few days later when you call
cause I want to watch a special about meth on TV...I LOVE YOU FOR THAT! Your
Playing is brilliant and always inspiring.

B.) Chris Michalek: I have never heard music as beautiful on the harmonica
as what you played at spah during the Suzuki show case. I cried listening to
you and your brilliance and rebel spirit, candidness and constant disdain
and simultaneous enthusiasm are as Italian as it gets whether you are or
not. You have "THE most" and "The BEST" vibrato and tone I have ever heard.
When you put the harmonica to your lips the tone has that sort of other
worldly sound like John Coltrane. Thank you also for your little known about
boundless generosity and kindness I cherish our friend ship.

C.) Rob Paparozzi. Where do you get the time with your schedule (busier than
mine) to deal with me?

D.) Pat Ramsey: Your my adopted father and me your son as you named me.
Every time I think how I haven't really gotten what I deserve I think of you
and all you have been through. I stole it all from you Dad. I owe all that I
have received musically and possibly even my life to you that's why I call
you Dad, You gave me accountability and hope for a sober life I could never
have dreamed possible without you! Not to mention amazing triplet and
sixteenth note pentatonic riffs to turn inside out and add overblows to! I
still can't get your vibrato either. You are my favorite!

E.) Adam Gussow: I never imagined I would have earned the respect of some
one who has and will always be one of my heroes. You swing harder than all
others.Meeting you was like when a little Leaguer meeting Babe Ruth.

F.) Buzz: Your good cheer optimism and love is so  consistent. Everyone
Loves you and it's obvious why. I know you have had a lot of reasons to be
pessimistic in your life last year, and this one, yet you always sounded
happy and full of life. No one should listen to my music as much as you do.
Thank you. Thank you for loving me and Brady too send Pam my best.

G.) Dennis Gruenling: Makes me reevaluate music and my approach to it every
time I hear him and Gina fox has been my first call over the years in times
of emotional panic too unresolved to unleash first on Brady.
 
 3.) Brad Harrison : Brad gave me free harmonicas tons of encouragement and
has treated me like royalty with never ending optimism and and genuine
interest in what I have to say. For My money Brad makes the best harmonicas
available.

4.) Gary Hodgson: Thank you Gary for reminding me why I do this....usually
after the show when I hate everything. Thank you for giving my music purpose
and playing it in environments full of love. Thank you for all the help with
Archive.org. Thank you for being the best listener I have ever met. Thank
you for helping Brady with all the technical support. For homemade shirts
with our songs on them. for paying attention. For Loving The Mule, For
Loving Us. Thank you for bringing me into your home, family, church and life
I don't deserve you.

5.) To my Band: Shawn Starsky, Buck Weed, Steve Johnson. After all this time
I'm not sure if you guys even like me or not. I love you all so much your
abilities and patience are humbling and you all serve as examples of the
kind of person I want to be and not be too. You Guys Rock Thank you for your
trust, sacrifice, music,love, and loyalty. I could never afford to pay any
of you what your worth.

6.) To the Fans. Thank you for buying our CDS sometimes over and over again
just to support us financially. Thank you for the food,one,five ,ten,
twenty, and hundred dollar tips you can't afford to drop in our bucket, for
the lighters, music, Cigars, play us on the radio, harmonicas, favors,
drinks you buy us. To the girls that have slept with shawn you have made our
time with Shawn more enjoyable, To the fans that have fixed our van, donated
money online, gotten us gigs, booked us at their houses on off days for
thousands of dollars just to give us a gig, For driving eight hours or more,
for doing free publist work, writing big articles about us for  big and
small publication, for doing websites for free, for changing tires and jump
starts, for bringing me clothing, for the hugs, screams and love I could go
on. Special mention need go to a few,the ones I forgot you know who you are
and thank you! Suzy Q, Marlene, Susie Henderson, Gary Hodgeson and his
Family, Wally (Big Wally), Elizabeth in Long Island, Warren Bee, Jonathan
Metts, Blake Taylor, Brad Kava, Bruce, T-Dub, Dar, Dianne in Tampa I love
you all too.

7.) Finally to Brady Joseph Mills my Rah Fox. Once upon a time I believed
music was the most important thing in my life after God. That no person
could ever come before that need, drive and passion. By allowing me to have
that and to put that first ahead of yourself, I have learned that you are my
one true passion and love in life my most serious vocation. All that I have
learned through music about being egoless, about sacrifice, about believing
in yourself, about practice, about patience, about discipline ( I liked that
lesson) about your true, pure and brilliant love, I watch you and we play
this song every day to each other from thousands of miles away on cell
phones. You are the most beautiful melody I have ever heard, More stunning
and bright than the finest crafted custom instrument, More mysterious and
haunting than any Coltrane song, more complex and illusive than any Howard
Levy Solo. The sound of your voice sends warmth comfort and calm into my
belly and chest. You make me want to be good to me. You remind me of the
voice of a child with the wisdom of a father. If art imitates life my music
would be empty and cold without your love and support the last  two years. I
love you forever my dear. Thank you for making your part in my life a dream
awake!