Re: What is the blues-long post

["Rick Leonard" <rleonard@xxxxxxx>]

This is rather long but with the recent discussion on the blues, I thought
some of you might enjoy it.

The Right To Sing The Blues HOW TO SING THE BLUES If you are new to Blues
music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are
some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."

 3.The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to
have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get train.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom
of a whiskey glass

12. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League
institutions d. golf courses

13. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to
be an old person, and you slept in it.

14. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than
dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied
No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c.
the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a
leg up on the Blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c.
muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the b ack by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are
the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.

18. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple KiwiFillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your darned life is: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!!!!!