[Harp-L] Foward from Charlie Musselwhite (humorous)

["Glenn Weiser" <celticguitar1@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Hi All-

Well, it's not really harmonica related, but there's one of these humorous 
things that go around that Charlie Musselwhite sent to folks on his list.

-Glenn Weiser
ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY DICTIONARY for the Music Biz

24\7:  The time signature of the national anthem of India.
AGENT:  A character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.
ARRANGER:  A guy who writes to support a drinking habit.
BALLET:  An art form for people with eating disorders.
BANDSTAND:  The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.
BIG BAND:  Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.
BROADWAY PIT JOB:  A prison sentence disguised as a gig.
CABARET:  A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME:  God's way of telling you that you've practiced too 
much.
CATERER:  A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.
CHANTEUSE:  A singer with an accent and no time.
CLASSICAL COMPOSER:  A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.
CLUBDATER:  God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.
CLUB DATE LEADER:  Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST:  A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last 
train to Budapest.
CONTRACTOR:  A man whose funeral nobody goes to.
CRUISE SHIP WORK:  A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.
DJ:  The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.
D-MINOR:  A rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all 
musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).
DOUBLE BASS:  The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.
DOWNBEAT:  The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians 
are working.
ELECTRIC PIANO:  The instrument that enables its player to pay for the 
hernia he sustained lifting it.
HOTEL PIANIST:  A guy who looks good in a tux.
JAZZ:  The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.
JAZZ FESTIVAL:  An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on 
the B&O railroad.
LYRIC:  That part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.
MELLOPHONE:  An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.
METRONOME:  The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.
MOVIE COMPOSER:  Someone who can write like anyone except himself.
NEW AGE:  A musical substitute for Valium.
NEW YEAR'S EVE:  The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire 
musicians they despise.
ORCHESTRATOR:  The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be 
chastised for it.
PERCUSSIONIST:  A drummer who can't swing.
PERFECT PITCH:  The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.
PIANIST:  An archaic term for a keyboard player.
PRODIGY:  A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago 
Cubs winning the World Series.
RAGA:  The official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.
RARE VIOLIN:  A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, 
which is someone over four foot eleven.
SIDEMAN:  The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.
STAFF MUSICIAN:  Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.
STEADY ENGAGEMENT:  Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word 
''obsolete.''
UNION REP:  A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.
VERSE:  The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.
VIOLA D' AMORE:  A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker 
Bach lost his virginity to.
WURLITZER:  The Ford Pinto of pianos.
YANNI:  A man blessed with great hair for music.